By Morteza Nadjafi, MD
You may be used to praising your child once a task is done, like when their room is clean or a playdate goes well. If your child has ADHD or anxiety, though, they may need a lot of tries before they get there. When you wait until the end to say something, your child may go a long time without hearing from you that they're on the right track.
If you’re wondering how to praise a child with ADHD or anxiety, one approach is to praise the process, not the outcome. Behavioral therapists call this shaping. Instead of waiting until your child finishes a task perfectly, you praise each small step that moves them closer to the goal, even when the result is still incomplete. Over time, those small steps may build into the full skill.
What praising the process means
Praising the process means you notice and name each step your child takes toward a goal. Take dishes as an example. If you want your child to learn to wash their own dishes, you can start by praising them for bringing their bowl to the sink. You don't have to wait until the dishes are washed, dried and put away.
You can use the same approach with friendships. Say your child usually grabs the video game controller as soon as a friend comes over. If they wait for their friend to go first one afternoon, you can tell them you noticed, even if they grab it first again the next day. If your child usually goes quiet around kids they don't know, you can praise them for saying hi to one new classmate, even if they didn't say much after that.
Why this may help kids with ADHD and anxiety
If your child has ADHD, they may have a hard time staying on task or waiting their turn, and that means they may hear more correction than praise over the course of a day. If your child has anxiety, they may avoid trying something new because they're afraid of getting it wrong. In both cases, if you save your praise for the end, your child may not hear it often enough to keep going.
When you praise effort and small steps, you may help your child in a few ways.
- You show your child exactly which behavior you want to see again.
- You keep your relationship warm while they're still learning.
- Your child may feel more willing to try the next step, because they know you'll notice the effort.
How to praise a child with ADHD or anxiety at home
Small changes in how you word your praise may make it easier for your child to take in. You can start with these four habits.
- Be specific about what your child did. "Good job" is pleasant, but "You waited for your sister to finish her turn before you went" tells your child exactly what they did right.
- Praise the attempt, even when it doesn't go well. If your child asked to join a game at recess and the other kids said no, you can still praise the courage it took to ask.
- Keep your praise about today. "You kept your cool when the tower fell" may land better than "You handled that better than last time," because it focuses on what your child just did instead of a hard day in the past.
- Count nonverbal praise too. A smile, a high five or a quick hug may mean as much to your child as words.
How praise makes correction easier for your child to hear
You can praise your child and still correct them when they need it. Praise may even make those corrections easier for your child to hear. If your child has ADHD and already hears a lot of corrections during the day, one more "stop that" may feel like an attack. When your child also hears specific praise for their effort, your corrections may feel less like criticism, because they aren't the only thing your child hears from you.
Praise is one of four habits that may help you build up your relationship with your child before you give feedback. The other three are one-on-one time, active listening and aiming for at least four positive interactions for every negative one.
When your child may need more support
You may praise small steps for weeks and still see your child stuck in the same place. Maybe they still give up on chores after the first step, or they still won't ask to join a game at recess. If that sounds like your child, their attention or anxiety may be getting in the way, and encouragement at home may not be enough on its own. A psychiatric evaluation may help you find out what's going on. During the evaluation, a provider talks with you and your child, looks at whether ADHD, anxiety or both are part of the picture, and helps you decide which treatment may fit.
Common questions about praising the process
Q: Won't my child stop trying if I praise them for doing only part of the task?
A: You may find the opposite happens. When you praise part of the task, the next part may feel more reachable to your child. Once they can do the first step on their own, you can raise the bar and praise the next one.
Q: Is it OK to praise a child who is anxious about doing something new?
A: Yes, it is OK to praise a child who is anxious about trying new things. When you praise the attempt instead of the result, your child may start to see that trying is what counts, and they may be more willing to try again.
Q: What if I can't find anything to praise on a hard day?
A: Try to look for smaller moments to praise instead. Getting in the car on time, saying thank you or taking a deep breath before reacting all count. Hard days are often when your child needs to hear something positive from you the most.
APG Health provides care for ADHD, anxiety and related concerns across Central Florida. If you're not sure where to start, call us, and we'll help you find the right first step.